is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
