I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
