I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
