Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
