why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
