Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Go christen that room with your naked body.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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