You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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