No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
