wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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