I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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