they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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