I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
