No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
