"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
