good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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