Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Dicks are not precious.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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