At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
