Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
