Even the bartender felt bad for me
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
