Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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