1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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