I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
