tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
