If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I'm really busy with my period
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