I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
MIDGETS
????
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
