Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
