john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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