can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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