Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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