I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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