MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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