I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize