did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
