i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he was CRYING into my vagina
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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