I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize