I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
