Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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