Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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