My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
