Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
