Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize