I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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