I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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