My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
We left an ass print on the piano.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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