Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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