You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
