i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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