I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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