WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
false alarm, still single
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize