I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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