You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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