plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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