I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
