I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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