sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
People in love make me want to vomit
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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