Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
