I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i came on her dog
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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