I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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