Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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