The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
